What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 10:56
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I have no regrets .
How far does good behavior take you in a prison?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
How do you know if your husband loves you truly and deeply?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What made you feel disgusted today?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I want to have anal sex, but my wife refuses. What do I do?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What was your first trans experience like?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
What does success really mean to you? Is it about happiness, money, or something else?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Especially a lifetime of it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So whats the point in blame.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Who then, do I blame.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was scared of men, in general
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But ive been too sick for many years..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were not on the streets..
She found it foreign!.
I was very sick at this time too.
Comes on , in middle age.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im still living with it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I think the readers, may guess!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was seconnd youngest,
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I said to her
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One cannot live in the past .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is soul school!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My life is so biszare .
I waited trembling.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He resisted the act ,that day.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I could never make a relationship work though!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I don,t even have a pension.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She loved him until the end.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was in good health!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I write beautiful poetry .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I will be 64.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Would this be the day?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Put me off passion for life!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But, we were locked up after school.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He knew the spot.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
When she asked me how she looked .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
We all went to grammer schools
All the time i was locked up.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was 9 years of age.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She wouldn,t have been !
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My family never makes their pension either.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i lived it daily.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She married twice! .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I never cut or harmed myself..
Was to survive, this bastard.
It was going to be , some day.
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ive learnt so much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
What did i know ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.